Star of India, Austin, Texas

This restaurant has been around for a long time. I remember eating here once during the Christmas season; must have been the late 90's because we were working late on a Sunday, decorating everyone else's fucking houses but our own, and my boss took us here as a thank-you gesture. It was pretty yummy back then, especially to a young single guy who spent a lot of money to make sure he could do as he damned well pleased in his own home, on his own.

But my! How times have changed! I'm no longer young, I'm no longer single, I don't decorate anyone's houses any more and the appeal of Star of India is receding like my peers' hairlines.

It starts out great but slides down quickly. We were greeted and tabled by a lady who took our drink orders. She was polite but a little dead in the eyes. The rest of the staff was just as stiff if not more so than she. Nearly all of them had to be told not to fuck with my iced tea as I had it at just the right sweetness and they couldn't figure out who was our server when in fact it was just a buffet. Even most of the other diners were weird-acting. We were catching up with our good friend Shakti and yucking it up and telling her all about the Lady Gaga concert, and I know my voice carries, but these cadavers gave me looks like I was partying in the morgue and disturbing their eternal sleep. One couple was talking about "the Jesus" and "the Christ." Another was praying. I was praying Ganeja would reach down from the wall and sock them with his trunk.

So down to the food: look, first off, it's a buffet. You get what you pay for. It's not all that bad tasting, but they always have the same thing. Now that I think about it, I was here sometime in the mid-00's. My dead ex took me here (before he was dead.) It was mostly the same food. The naan bread is fair; not as much garlic and cilantro as other places and way less than I would put in it at home. The palak paneer (creamed spinach) was very tasty. I think it's hard to mess that one up, and it's important not to because it's a staple in every Indian restaurant and it's an easy way to get kids to eat vegetables. They also have some lamb meatballs that are reliably good and would probably appeal to kids too as long as you don't mention they're made of Mary's little former companion.

There were, however, some major disappointments; namely, the Tandoori Chicken. It had a great color and therefore great potential, but it's reality was bland and dry. They had cut the breasts to make manageable sizes but it also gave you the illusion that they had cleaned it well. I almost pierced the roof of my mouth on a piece of dry-roasted cartilage. And I was excited to see they had an offering of stewed goat, but it was a major FAIL as well. I think they tried to roast it, but burned it a little and dried it out instead.  Then they tried to cover it up by reconstituting it with beef broth (they'd probably be able to get their hands on goat broth if they treated the Mexicans in their kitchen a little better.) Moving on, they always have these vegetable fritters that are intersting, but today they looked like little overfried squids and they had a similar texture: rubber. I would have tried some of the sauces to soften them a little, but I was already getting some telltale rumblings in my gut.

I will say that I was pleased by the samosas they serve. These are similar to empanadas but with a more pastry-like crust. The filling is a potato and green pea mixture, and Star of India's are not as spicy as others I've tried and this is usually kind on my stomach. If I had stuck to those and the lamb meatballs I probably would have been okay, but since I didn't,  I was ready to visit the restroom. The first time.

I did try some of their rice pudding which has a pleasant cinnamon taste, but it was too late to save my stomach with starches. Before they brought the check I had to go to the bathroom again. It was disasterously explosive. Fortunately, that was the last time. We drove Shakti back to her car and did some shopping at one of our favorite nurseries (where Santiago had to go to the bathroom but he didn't give any details.)

Again, lunch is buffet at Star of India, and even if you go at noon you are getting what you pay for. Evidently, I paid to have my guts reject what I offered them. Bottom line, we enjoyed lunch and our visit with Shakti but if I go to Star of India again, I will be ordering off the menu so I can be sure it hasn't been sitting out for an hour. And I won't be ordering any rehydrated goat jerky.